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Cancer Port is a support group that meets on Thursdays from 11:30 A. M. until 1:00 P. M. in Greenbrae. The purpose of the group is the emotional support of its members, which varies from time to time. On this particular occasion, there were approximately twenty-five men and women with various types of cancer, including several support people and three group facilitators. There were no other people with bladder cancer in the group.
When it became my turn to talk, I explained how I was diagnosed and what sort of treatment I was about to undergo. I talked about my fears of still having cancer eight weeks after the start of chemotherapy. Seeing what other people suffered with made me feel compassionate for their situations and increased my desire to share the research I had been doing since my diagnosis.
I left the meeting with two important things to do based on what people said. One of them was to contact Shipley to find out what the side effects of the cisplatin and 5-FU were, and how to counteract them. The other was to make an appointment with Van Vu for next Sunday. I felt under a lot of stress until these could be accomplished. Instead of breathing into the experience of tension, I drove home, had lunch and only after I made the phone calls did I feel any better.
Later in the afternoon I had an appointment with Dr. Barbara Rose Billings, a special healer who provides "Integration Therapy" which is a "multi-faceted and individualized to help give you what you need to unleash the healing power within you. Its strength lies in its ability to produce profound results by integrating your essence into the healing process." I had an extremely healing experience with her, in recognizing what I want to do, tuning into my "belly breath", and being recognized for my own healing abilities.
Early this morning, I received a call back from Dr. Shipley, and I asked him about the side effects of the chemotherapy and radiation. He said that I should have a positive attitude and perhaps I'd feel a little tired, but I shouldn't worry! I guess he knows! This set me up for a fine day!
I next attended Leslie Davenports cancer group at Marin General Hospital. During the guided imagery, I was taken by two images that were very healing. The first was an emotionally open heart that reminded me of Ram Das' song:
Today was spent almost entirely with friends and family. In the morning, we were visited by Dr. John Anderson and family, who had spent the previous night. They are from Nashville, TN, but love to drop in on use in Sausalito. We had a nice leisurely walk by the bay and talked of many things. Later, my cousins came over from Oakland.
All of this made me fairly exhausted, so I listened to a guided imagery tape preparing me for chemotherapy. I found the tape to be confusing because the speaker offered too many choices. I find that following specific directions is much more useful than something like, "Pick a relaxing spot - maybe a beach, or a meadow, or a mountain top, or..." I seem to pick all of the places as they are mentioned and wind up picking none. However, once I adjusted to the changing scenery, I relaxed quite nicely and utilized the tape to develop a sense of what good the chemotherapy would do for me.
At night, we visited our friends who had been on a trip to Africa and viewed their collection of slides. I was impressed with the quality of their photographs and their caring support. Besides, the food was great.
All in all, it was a pleasant day almost entirely removed from thoughts of my illness. Sometimes it's good to allow your illness to float to the background and have a normal life. This gives you a hint of what life will be like when the disease goes into remission.
My friend, Itzzy, came over today to teach me qi gong once again. He had taught me several years ago, but I wanted a new lesson because of Michael Broffman's recommendation. Itzzy has been practicing and teaching tai chi and qi gong for almost twenty years. His teach is Fong Ha.
We started with sitting meditation. It turned out to be very closely related to the Vipassana meditation that I was already doing, except for the emphasis on the out breath. The posture is upright with the buttocks on the edge of the chair and the spine erect. The hands are either placed on the knees with the thumb and forefingers making a "U" and facing each other, or interlocked in front of the point between the navel and the pubic bone (the da tien point in qi gong or hara in Zen). The process is to watch the breath fill up a balloon in the lower abdomen and return to the breath whenever the mind wanders away.
The second form is standing meditation. Here, the breath and attention work the same from a standing position. The feet are parallel and shoulder width apart, and the hands are either at the side, or somewhere in a arc from the da tien point to the throat, where ever the optimum comfort and/or awareness lies. We tried various configurations, all of which seemed to work quite well.
The next thing we tried was walking meditation, which is similar to walking meditation in Vipassana, except the feet are swung in a slight semi-circle from one placement to another. Finally, we did some rocking meditation, which is very comforting when you feel that you have to more a little more.
I loved being with Itzzy and being shown these various postures. We walked a while and then had pizza at my house.
After Itzzy left, I listened to another guided imagery tape and later started Practical Intuition by Laura Day. I was lucky to have met Laura at Eselan when I was invited there by Helen Palmer for an organizational meeting of the Center for Investigation and Training of the Intuition in 1988. Her book is a marvelous training guide and I plan to utilize it as much as possible in my healing.
The morning started out with a Feldenkrais class incorporating arm movements. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was when returned home! found it necessary to settle into another guided imagery tape after lunch to even have a chance of making my day.
Next came a very revealing guided imagery session with Leslie Davenport at Marin General. I began talking about my fears of the upcoming chemotherapy and radiation and traced the fears down many, many levels to my fears of abandonment and treatment with indifference that experienced as a child. While there wasn't time for a complete resolution of the situation, I think that there is much more work to do in this area. feel rather pressured to perform because I have expectations of completing the Shipley protocol with a complete response and no have remaining cancer at the end of April or the beginning of May when my next TUR will be.
After this session, I took a thirty minute walk on the pathway near the hospital to absorb what I had learned from my meditation and to allow the images to integrate into my life. As I was walking back to my car, I had this wonderful feeling of making myself lovable, not only to myself, but to everyone I saw and came in contact with. I took this feeling into Anna Halprin's group and it turned into one of the most healing events of my life. I was open to receiving and giving love and there was plenty to go around! We had a large discussion on alternative healing prior to our movement program.
The movement program focused on prayer, and I don't know if Anna picked up this idea from me, or I got it several minutes before she said anything, but it was the exact word I would have chosen! This intuitive flash led to an immensely moving dance, which brought the whole group together in one circle, filled with healing energy and love.
I
drew a picture of myself kneeling in the prayer position with my hands
drawn together in the traditional prayer position. The hands were way out
of proportion, but as the drawing developed, I began to realize that I
was also drawing the healing space around my hand and the healing energy
radiating from them. I wrote,
The above quote was Dr. Halberg's comment as we left the radiation therapy simulation session. "You will laugh about everything that happened today in about a year!," she said. Everything that could have gone wrong did! In the first place I had to walk to Dr. Neuwirth's office to have a catheter put in, since Dr. Halberg had difficulties on two attempts. I'm sure that my bladder was sensitive due to having the catheter in six days earlier, and she didn't want to injure me. But, Harry had no problem! It must be his great experience at putting in catheters! However, he was willing to hurt me, but just a little. Secondly, the catheter tube did not match the syringe, so they had to send someone out to find a compatible syringe.
The rest of the procedure went fairly smoothly including the Barium enema, setting up the x-ray device according to the Shipley protocol, tagging my body for future radiation sessions, taking the necessary x-rays, and finally removing the tubing.
I was exhausted from this hour and one half procedure that lasted almost four hours! I have nothing else to say at this time!
Oh, by the way, the treatment begins on Monday, March 10 with a dry run on the radiation equipment. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy begins on March 11.
Last night, I watched a series of programs on public television featuring Dr. Andrew Weil. I have transcribed my notes as part of this diary. Please take a look if you are interested.
This morning, I had another CT scan for the purpose of setting up the radiation fields that I will be using next week. Alice, the radiation technologist made everything so easy. She was easy going, gentle, and caring. I felt fortunate that I was treated so nicely.
The rest of the day was spent working, having teacher conferences, doing guided imagery, and catching up on things. I have also started reading Practical Intuition and doing all of the exercises.
Last night, I felt a little anxious as I went to bed. I felt that I hadn't done enough for my treatment during the day and needed some more time to work on myself. I came downstairs to listen to a tape by Dr. Bernie Siegel called Meditations for Enhancing Your Immune System. After listening to the tape for 25 minutes or so, I found myself moved to tears. It was the first time I had really cried since the beginning of this episode. I couldn't get a fix on what made me cry or why I was crying. The whole thing is just so emotional that you can't help but be moved.
I attended another Cancerport group this morning, but I didn't have much to say about my own situation. However, I did advise one young man to seek alternative therapies as a way of enhances his chances of recovery. I told another man about my son's kidney cancer and he seemed hopeful. All in all, it was a good group and I felt at peace.
In the afternoon, I took a walk and stopped by to see D. S., who has been battling ovarian cancer since 1991. She told me about her treatments and had one major comment that we should all be aware of, "I am amazed at how well the body can heal itself!"
That night, we had a meeting of our evolutionary circle at T. W.'s house. R. and J. did not make it, but this did not detract from the value of the meeting. B. M. and T. W. both got to speak their truth and I spent a lot of time sharing what was has been happening with me. I described all of the healers I've been seeing and told them about some of my best experiences. T. W. had oral cancer, from which she is recovered, and she is also writing a book about her experiences, and how cancer changed her life. She read her preface, which was very helpful for me.
Today I have a busy schedule. I see Dr. Gullion in the morning, meet with co-workers in the early afternoon, and travel to Capitola for my son's performance in La Boheme in the evening. We are planning to spend the night in Capitola. I have prepared a list of questions for Dr. Gullion.
Once again, Dr. Gullion showed up with a heart pin on his shirt pocket. I believe that he is quite open to what Andy Weil calls integrative medicine. We spoke about all the issues on the list and the thing that struck me the most was his willingness to allow guided imagery and massage along with chemotherapy. He said that this is what they were trying to do at the Marin Cancer Institute.
As far as Keith Block is concerned, Dr. Gullion thought that with Michael Broffman and all that I was doing, it amounts to the same thing. He said that he had always had difficulty getting Dr. Block to be specific about what he is doing, and that he had proprietary supplement preparations that no one else had. I felt confident that I was on the right path because of Michael Broffman, Marty Rossman, Van Vu, Elyse, and the combination of all the other things I am doing.
As far as the chemotherapy is concerned, he was no more worried about my response than Dr. Shipley. He had given cisplatin and 5FU together before, but not combined with radiation and not in the doses that I will be getting.
After our visit with Dr.Gullion, we head down to Network General and then to Santa Cruz. We checked in to the Apple Lane Inn and took a nap before meeting M. and G. for dinner in Capitola before the opera. M. seemed quite relaxed in spite of having one of the leading roles in the production. I was feeling quite proud of him and also felt excited to be able to be there. You may recall that on my first visit to Dr. Neuwirth's office when he described my illness, I wanted to be able to see La Boheme.
The performance was rather good for the first performance of a new opera company. Of course my son had the best male performance as Marcello, Rudolpho's friend! The woman who played Mussetta was also excellent. But the orchestra and chorus left something to be desired. All in all, it was very enjoyable and I recommend it to anyone living near Santa Cruz.
Last night was a difficult night for me as far as sleep is concerned. I kept sliding into the middle of the bed and woke up frequently. Then the roosters started crowing early in the morning.
We walked along the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk for about an hour and then headed for Los Gatos. We thought we'd have lunch there, but wound up being tourists. We had dinner at the Rossman's and I went to the Pocket Opera performance of Escape From the Harem. All in all, it was a busy day without too much concern about cancer.
We had to go to a first communion ceremony this morning, and for me, this is an unusual experience. There were several interesting things about the service. First of all, there were many prayers that I remember from my youth in synagogue. Although I knew this to be true from before, it really struck home today because of my acute awareness of little things in life due to my illness. I almost felt like belting out the Hebrew for the prayers!
Secondly, I was reminded of one of my favorite prayers growing up. It goes like this:
The views from the church were the first occurrence of spectacular views of the day.
I left early to meet my friends from my enneagram circle group who met me at home. We went on down to Sausalito, and enjoyed a nice lunch at a picnic table by the bay. We spoke of treatment options and alternative medicine. I felt totally supported by my friends.
Unfortunately, I had to leave them for an acupuncture treatment with Dr. Van Vu, which was quite relaxing. Instead of going home and resting, I drove to Belvedere to take a walk with T. R We saw panoramic views of San Francisco, Oakland and the East Bay, and of course, Sausalito! What a gorgeous day! It makes you want to be alive, just to feel the clean, fresh air flowing through your lungs. Boy, was I exhausted, though.
This morning, I had to go back to Radiation Oncology department to have a dry run of my radiation treatments. This went rather smoothly, but I noticed that the waiting room was filled with older people! I thought, "I'm too young to have cancer!" This thought doesn't seem to do me any good!
While I was waiting, I continued reading in Practical Intuition. One of the experiments was to open yourself to your sense impressions according to the instructions,
As I was leaving the restaurant, I spotted two angles across the street: J. D. and her friend, M. J. is the mother of my daughter's best friend. I asked J. if she had some money, and her friend had $14.00 that she had discovered after she got out of the car. Normally, neither one of them would have money with them, but on this occasion, she had just the amount I needed! So I borrowed the money from M. and paid my bill. Not only that, but J. and M. were walking back to Marin General Hospital to get their car with their dogs, so I joined them and we enjoyed a marvelous hike back to the cars!
One of the plans for today was to prepare for the chemo and radiation therapy tomorrow. In accordance with this plan, Dr. Gullion had given me a list of suggestions. One of them corresponds to exactly what the Shipley protocol demands: patient hydration of 3 to 4 quarts of fluids. So that's what I spent the afternoon doing!
Since
it was Monday night, I went to Anna Halprin's class. Again, it was absolutely
healing. The themes for the night were deep breathing and choosing an animal
to represent our condition or needs. The deep breathing was inspired by
Andy
Weil. For my animal, I chose a lion, an image I had had about a year
ago. In fact, the wallpaper for my computer at work is a picture of a lion,
and of all the animals at P. G.'s house, I was most attracted to the lions.
We drew pictures of our animals and then danced the pictures. The picture
I drew reminded me of a Sphinx. It looked like a self-portrait
of a monkey-lion. The major theme was the courage I need to endure
the next eight weeks, and the significance of the Sphinx was the guardian
of the temple so that only those with a pure heart could enter. The spirit
of the lion I chose was one of a contented cat who was rolled over on his
back and relaxing.
The class ended with a healing circle. Anna placed me in the center so that I could receive the energy of the group for my treatments tomorrow. It was very powerful!
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PLEASE NOTE: This material is copyright(c) 1997, by Jerome Freedman, Ph. D. All Rights Reserved. This material will be submitted for publication. This document is meant to be a description of the author's experience and he in no way takes responsibility for the accuracy or completeness of any medical knowledge. The author assumes no responsibility for choices made by any of the readers of this material.
Please send comments and questions to Jerome Freedman, Ph. D.
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